I didn’t want it. Begging God there was really only one line on that little stick, I looked at it again. The box states not to look at it after 3 minutes, because after 3 minutes, it is not 100% accurate. Still, that first little line was just barely there, giving me doubts about a negative result.
“These are cheap tests. Less than the dollar store. It’s probably not accurate,” I thought. “I’m not supposed to be pregnant. It hasn’t been a year! I still have a month until my baby is one.”
After church, my husband bought me a more expensive test. This one would be accurate. This one would be reliable.
That first pink line showed, faint, but darker than the first test. My memories ran back to the picture my sister had sent 5 years before of a test that had a nearly identical result. That test was the first indication of the pregnancy that brought my sweet twin nephews into the world.
I mean, I was late. 2 weeks late. A baby.
I told my husband. Neither one of us were excited. The contrast to the first time I discovered my pregnancy was stark. The first time he had held me in his arms with a broad smile on his face. The nerves I had felt were calmed, and I knew we would be able to handle a pregnancy together.
This time, I wasn’t sure. Pregnancy had been hard on my body, and I was still searching through how to restore my energy. We wanted more children, but not right now.
How would my daughter handle this? How would I? What about savings? What about home repairs? Would I ever be able to have a successful job?
My sister and my friend encouraged me, saying that another baby would be a blessing and to not let my fear keep me from that blessing. The fear was strong, but there was something else. An undercurrent of doubt that this pregnancy would last clouded my mind.
By the Lord’s provision, my mother came on Monday evening to help me paint some of the rooms in our newly bought house. While running out for breakfast, I told her about the pregnancy, the non-desire, and the doubt. By that point, my feelings were incredibly conflicted. My daughter having a sibling would be a blessing, and plenty of people had handled this exact situation with no problem. I did not want to lose a baby, I wanted peace to know my body could handle this again so quickly, but I also didn’t want to carry it long if I wasn’t going to be able to keep it.
Maybe that is selfish and wrong. Maybe I wished away my pregnancy. Maybe things like this happen. Maybe a lot of things.
While talking to my mom, I told her I was afraid that not wanting the baby would actually be the thing that would make me lose it, and I didn’t really want that either. My emotions warred within me. Would it be my fault if I lost it? My mom seems to know what to say to encourage me (most of the time), and she said that would not be it. God had a plan, and nothing I felt could change that. Me not knowing what to do and not even being sure if I wanted another baby right now could not make me lose this baby.
That Wednesday evening, after painting my living room, I lost the pregnancy. For all I know, it was just a chemical pregnancy and no egg was ever fertilized and implanted.
Maybe it wasn’t even a baby. Maybe my loss doesn’t count. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe a lot of things.
I was upset, but not as much as I expected. I was more upset at myself for feeling like I asked for this. My mind told me that I didn’t deserve to cry over someone I didn’t even want.
But I did want that baby.
It was a few weeks later, I was on the explore page of instagram. A family had lost one of their twins a few days after birth. I am not comparing my loss to theirs. I cannot imagine their grief, nor do I want to, but seeing the post somehow brought up feelings I had not had before. I would have been pregnant then. I would have been carrying a human being inside me, but I wasn’t. There was only an empty uterus. The picture suddenly reminded me of the blessing I had missed out on, and I felt an ache I had not known before.
Every now and again, I have thought about that pregnancy. It was a blip on my life timeline. Just a few short days of knowing the possibility of a baby, and then the definite knowledge that that possibility was gone for now.
There is no comparing one person’s grief to another person’s grief. They do not have the same hearts and minds. Their coping mechanisms will manifest differently as will their despair, but sometimes knowing what other people have gone through can help someone else. The reason for writing this is threefold.
- No one knows what anyone else is dealing with in their heart and minds. At the very least, I hope this experience has taught me to be more gracious.
- There are other women who have had similar thoughts about pregnancy and loss as I did, and Jesus is gracious with us all and uses all things to the good of those who love Him. This loss has been used to encourage others, and for that I am thankful.
- Pregnancy is a blessing, even in the pain, as are so many other things that are put in our path. Accepting them with thankfulness is much easier than losing them without having known the joy of the blessing, or at least I wish I had thanked God for the baby before losing it instead of just thanking Him for the lessons after the loss.
This is a sensitive topic, and I am not trying to push my thoughts on anyone else. In the future, I hope to accept what God gives me with joy and gladness, and even if there is loss, I hope to bless His name even with the pain. That is my lesson, and one I am still grappling to understand.
May you receive the blessings from the Lord with joy, and take heart in the pain. He has overcome the world.
2 thoughts on “Pregnancy Loss”
You are such a strong woman. Do not beat yourself up instead lay it a the feet of the cross, because that is what Jesus wants from us. He dose not want to see us suffer in any way shape or form. That is why our God is an awesome God. He knows your needs and he all ready has a plan in place for you. God knows what is ahead of us, but for now he wants us to be a peace.
Love you Christy
You are such a beautiful soul. Sharing this does help others. The strength it takes to talk about these things is healing for you and others. So many of us experience similar loss and life keeps going without the healing. I know that even with losing a twin, we are expected to focus on the blessing but not mourn the loss. Allowing ourselves to feel all of it is the healthy thing to do. Thank you for sharing that process.